Today I had a moment. I had one of those moments that stay at home moms talk about. I don't have these moments too often, but today I was starting to question what in God's name possessed me to work from home. I looked around my house as I heard the cry of my one year old son letting me know he was awake from his nap. His twenty minute nap.
I stood in the middle of my office for a second and looked around. I had planned on getting as many orders packaged and put together as possible, and I had only managed to print receipts out for my orders. I stood completely still for a moment and closed my eyes, "Please fall back to sleep, please fall back to sleep." The next thing I heard was "Mama mama MAMA!!!!". You have got to be kidding me, I thought to myself. It had taken me over an hour to get him to sleep and he was already awake. If I didn't go in and get him right away he would wake up his dad.His dad is currently on third shift and that is hard on us. He works half of the month on days and half of the month on nights. The rotating schedule is tough on him and us... I took a deep breath and walked into our bedroom, only to see Ezra sitting in the middle of his crib wearing the biggest smile in the world.
His smile melts my heart. Ezra is the reason that I am so happy and often times the reason that I feel like pulling my hair out. I picked him up and asked him if he was hungry and he clapped his hands. I walked out of our bedroom quickly, hoping not to wake my husband. I walked out to the kitchen and set Ezra down on the floor.
And the screaming began.
This is when the moment happened. I stood in the middle of my kitchen thinking about all the things I had to do today and realized that I probably wasn't going to accomplish anything besides feeding my child and keeping him alive today. The sink was filled with dirty dishes, the trash was overflowing, random pots and pans were spread around the kitchen floor (Ezra had been playing with them), and Ezra just tipped over the recycling bin. My husband wouldn't be up for another six hours. Ezra would go to bed about two hours after my husband got up. This meant I would be up all night making orders and packaging them.
I looked down at Ezra, tears streaming down his face as he had his hands stretched out for me. I sighed, Can't I ever do anything without holding my son, him grabbing my leg, or him screaming? I thought to myself. He just wants to be with me ALL the time. I never get a break.
In this moment I had a choice. I could quickly make Ezra some lunch and put him in his high chair. He would eat his food and I could quickly try to clean up the kitchen, you know, so at least something would get done today. OR I could make lunch for my son and I to share.
So in the midst of my internal freak out, I decided to have lunch with my son. We ate nachos on the floor today. Sour cream was everywhere. All over his face. All over my pants. All over my hardwood floor. We laughed and played. He squealed with delight when our dog licked sour cream off of his hands.
The amount of happiness Ezra felt by me simply sitting on the floor with him completely blew my mind. That 20 minutes we shared together reset my brain. When I really thought about it, that was all he wanted. He wanted time with me.. TIME-- He spends all day with me!!!! Just think though-- he wanted my undivided, memory making time. I could give him that because it that is what really mattered.
When you're a mom, you're going to face struggles. At times you are going to feel disenchanted with your child(ren). You'll be disenchanted with your spouse, especially when they say they are tired or need some time alone. No one ever said being a mom is easy-- rewarding yes, but easy.. oh no!
If you're a work at home mom.. you will question yourself from time to time. You will look around your clusterfuck of an office and wonder what the hell you were thinking-- especially when your one year old spills charcoal facial scrub all over the floor. You will feel like you never leave work. You will be overwhelmed. Customers will drive you nuts sometimes.
If you're a stay at home mom.. you will come out of the bathroom after only being in there a minute and find that your previously tidy living room looks like someone ransacked the place... and your eleven month old will be sitting in the middle of the room smiling ear to ear.
You will wonder why you ever decided to stay home in the first place. You will have those days.. and you're allowed to have those days. Children are amazing! They keep you young but they also make you question your sanity at times.
There will be times where you feel like your heart will explode because you love your child so much. There will be times that you inform your spouse that you will be taking a damn shower.. ALONE. There will be times that you need to be alone. There will be times you need wine (who am I kidding I always need it!!).
There will be times that you eat nachos on the floor and wonder what it is about eating nachos on the floor that makes your child so happy. It's the simple things.
Who am I?
My name is Jessica Kellaway! I am the earth loving, natural parenting, Jesus loving weirdo your mama might have warned you about!